The blue light from the laptop screen doesn’t just illuminate the room; it sears the retinas at 1:27 AM, a digital branding of another 17-hour day that nobody asked for but everyone expects. You click ‘shut down’ and the silence that rushes into the home office is so heavy it feels physical, like a wet wool blanket draped over your shoulders. You reach for the bottle. It’s a Pinot Noir, something expensive enough that you can tell yourself it’s a ‘hobby’ rather than a crutch, and you pour a glass that’s just a bit too full. Then you pour another. By the time the third glass is halfway gone, the phantom ringing of the Slack notifications finally begins to fade, replaced by a dull, warm numbness that is the only thing currently keeping the ceiling from collapsing on your head.
The Paradox of Ascent
There is a peculiar kind of lie we tell ourselves about the top of the pyramid. We talk about it in terms of ‘influence’ or ‘climb,’ as if the height itself provides a better view of the world. In reality, the higher you go, the narrower the walls become. You are surrounded by people-377 employees, 7 board members, a dozen direct reports-yet you have never been more alone.
You cannot tell your VP of Finance that you’re worried about the Q3 numbers because it will trigger a localized panic. You cannot tell your spouse because they’re already resentful of the 47 dinners you’ve missed this year. And you certainly cannot tell your peers, because in the hyper-competitive ecosystem of high-level leadership, vulnerability is often mistaken for a scent of blood in the water.
The Dark Pattern of Leadership
I was looking through my old text messages from 2017 the other night. I found a thread with a former mentor where I was bragging about how ‘unstoppable’ I felt. Reading it now, I can see the cracks I was trying so hard to ignore back then. I was using words like ‘optimization’ to describe the fact that I had stopped sleeping more than four hours a night. I was a dark pattern researcher in my own life, though I didn’t have a name for it then.
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The corner office is the ultimate dark pattern. It tricks you into thinking you’re the architect, when you’re actually just the load-bearing wall. And walls aren’t allowed to crack.
– Ethan J., Dark Pattern Researcher
Ethan J. specializes in the psychology of entrapment. He looks at how apps use variable rewards to keep us scrolling, but he sees the same mechanisms in the executive suite. The $17,000 bonus, the public accolades, the sense of being the ‘only one’ who can solve the problem-these are just high-stakes versions of a ‘like’ button. They keep you engaged until you’ve forgotten how to disengage.
The Variable Reward Loop
Engagement ≠ Control
The structure forces engagement until the human mechanism for support atrophies.
We assume leadership is about power and control, but for many, it is a role of profound isolation where the normal human need for support is seen as a disqualifying weakness. You become a character in your own life, playing the part of the ‘unshakeable leader’ while the human being underneath is suffocating.
The Cost of Silence
This is where the alcohol-or the pills, or the obsessive work-creeps in. When you have no one to talk to, you start talking to the bottle. It doesn’t judge you. It doesn’t report back to the board. It doesn’t ask for a raise. It just provides a temporary exit from the crushing weight of responsibility.
The Weekly Spend for Silence
I remember a specific Tuesday-or maybe it was a Wednesday, the days bleed together when you’re living on 77 milligrams of caffeine and sheer willpower-when I realized I had spent $897 on wine in a single week. Not for a party. Just for the silence.
We are taught that to lead is to be a monolith. Monoliths don’t have anxieties. Monoliths don’t have panic attacks in the executive washroom. But the physiological reality is that the human nervous system isn’t designed to hold the weight of 377 families’ livelihoods without a release valve. When the release valve of human connection is welded shut by the fear of appearing ‘weak,’ the pressure finds other ways out. It leaks into the liver; it manifests as a resting heart rate of 97 beats per minute; it turns a casual evening drink into a non-negotiable requirement for survival.
Logic Versus Isolation
Logic Applied to Addiction
Requires Human Connection
I’ve made the mistake of thinking I could ‘manage’ this on my own. I thought I could apply the same logic I used for a corporate turnaround to my own spiraling dependency. I tried to create a ‘recovery roadmap’ in a spreadsheet. It failed miserably because you cannot logic your way out of a hole that was dug by isolation. The very thing that got me into the mess-the belief that I had to be the solo solver of all problems-was the thing preventing me from getting out.
There’s a specific kind of terror in admitting you’ve lost the handle. For an executive, admitting a struggle with substance use feels like signing your own professional death warrant. You worry about the ‘optics.’ You worry that if you take two weeks off to clear your head, the 7 projects you’re overseeing will collapse. But the truth that Ethan J. pointed out to me is that the system is already collapsing; you’re just the only one who hasn’t been told yet. The silence of the house at 2:47 AM isn’t peace; it’s a vacuum.
The Essential Space for Repair
Finding a way back requires a space where the ‘leader’ can be put aside so the ‘human’ can be repaired. It requires a level of confidentiality that matches the stakes of the position.
This is why specialized support, like the kind offered at dedicated recovery centers, is so vital. It’s about more than just ‘stopping’ a behavior; it’s about addressing the fundamental isolation that made the behavior necessary in the first place.
You need a place where the mask can be removed without the fear that someone is going to take your seat while you’re gone.
I think back to that text message from 2017. I wish I could tell that version of myself that being a load-bearing wall is a fool’s errand. Eventually, every building settles, and every wall that refuses to flex will shatter. The real power isn’t in being unshakeable; it’s in knowing when the weight has become too much and having the courage to set it down before it crushes you.
Redefining Success
Quiet room, empty bottle, high cost.
The courage to set the weight down.
We often talk about ‘success’ as a destination, a specific floor in a building or a specific number in a bank account. But if you reach that destination and find that you’ve traded your ability to connect with others for the right to sit in a quiet room with a bottle of Pinot Noir, was it actually success? Or was it just a very expensive form of imprisonment?
The bottle is empty now. It’s 3:07 AM. The sun will be up in a few hours, and the 377 people will be waiting for the monolith to perform. But tonight, in the dark, you might finally admit that you’re just a person who is tired of being alone with the noise in your head.